Bindicanfly’s Weblog

Hello.  It's been over a year, that's pretty ridiculous.  I guess i don't' have anything to say now, but just wanted a reason to type a little bit.  I won't offer an update on my life so much, since I only have one subscriber who knows everything that happens in my daily life.  I have been obsessed with pregnancy in the past year, reading about it and watching youtube vlogs done by pregnant women.  I don't really know how to explain my fascination with pregnancy and baby rearing, believe me, I've tried to explain it to my mom and boyfriend many times since it freaks both of them out.  I keep reassuring them that I'm not daydreaming about having them (babies).  I think it's just the possibility that my body COULD produce another human being that's really getting to me.

The obsession started with Jennifer's pregnancy, but, as many of my readers know (haha), after carrying the baby to full term, he died in utero.  I am so disappointed.  I am sad for her, my heart is breaking for her every time I see her.  But I'm also disappointed on a separate note.  I was really looking forward to meeting a real baby that I could get to know on a personal level.  I thought that it would be the answer, that it was going to tell me whether having children was something I really wanted in my life.  I was so curious and so excited to be an aunt too. 

Jennifer printed a photo of the baby after she gave birth to him.  He was dead, but they laid him down and cleaned him up and put a toy monkey in his arms.  The perfect picture of sleep.  She put this picture in a bunch of cards for the family, wrote his full name on the front, and put a Jalaludin Rumi poem inside (incidentally that's who Jalal is named after).  Anyways, I keep peeking inside the card she gave me.  And I really never have seen a more beautiful baby.  I think the beauty of a baby might have something to do with the potential that they hold for the viewer.  I just can't believe that this baby I had been imagining for eight months had real shoulders and fingers and skin creases between each of those things.  He was a he and had a nose and cheek bones that really do look like his mom's, and a face shape that is undeniably Khalil's.  It's just amazing to me.  Inside a pocket of flesh in her abdominal cavity, cells started to grow and gather together, somehow, genetics made choices, formed things in just the perfect certain way.  How is this not fascinating to EVERYBODY!?

Anyways, in other news, life is pretty dull.  About to finish my junior year, and after that I don't have much time left at UW, probably only two quarters.  Jalal and I are again planning on moving in together next fall… We'll see…he's still broke.  My mom has breast cancer, or she had it?  She had a mastectomy and hopefully the cancer is all gone,but she should be starting chemo soon. So I'm going to Spokane for the summer, or at least for as long as I can stand.  Maybe I'll get a fast food job or something.  Something I can quit when I get so tired and depressed from being there.  I have a feeling I'm not going to like being there.  Sigh.  I keep telling myself it's the right thing to do, but if Jalal doesn't come with me, I'm going to go crazy!  I have no friends in Spokane.  Sheesh.  I guess that's all for now, maybe I'll start blogging in a semi regular fashion, or maybe this is a trick of my mind.  Probably the same trick that tells me that I'm going to lose weight even though I have wanted to lose weight since I was 11, before I even started my period, and I have only ever gained it. SOo…sees ya

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