Bindicanfly’s Weblog

Wednesday December 17 2008 (last night when there was no internet)

I’m in Mexico with my mom and grandma and younger brother and I’m realizing how very addicted to the internet I am.  God.  It makes me feel alone not to have it.  Its not really entirely the internet I guess.  I miss Jalal and I feel like I should not because I am with my family in Mexico and I should be totally satisfied.  But, we are here and it is beautiful. 

It’s very hot, and humid and there isn’t really that much to do.  Go into town, walk to the beach, swim in the sticky warm ocean.  It’s weird not to be shown stuff, to have to find it, and get lost and feel helpless.  I don’t want to suffer by eating what doesn’t feel good in my body, but because of a language and cultural barrier it seems to be happening, which I guess I expected.  I can’t help but be depressed by the fact that if we had done this trip years ago my brother and I would have been a lot more delighted, and now we are too grown up and boring to be amazed and unworried, at least I am.

Anyways, Mexico is beautiful, there are twinkling lights at night and dirt roads and houses stacked atop each other all colorful and cement or stucco.  The ocean is blue and vast, the trees palm, green and fanning over the heat, the sunsets are always very vivid and sparkling in the water.  The people often seem sweet and shy and interesting, beautiful in their differentness from what I am used to seeing.  I find myself embarrassed by my very pale skin because I feel doughy, and I am ashamed to be lumbering and English speaking, touring a country I know nothing about with my family and their ideas of lounging and being served. 

My heart is calming down though, thank god.  I was panicking at the idea of sleep as I often do.  It is like 8 degrees in Spokane or something, and I may not have time to go there after Christmas because I have to move in to my new house on the 4^th and I don’t have any way to get back here.  It’s too bad because it would be nice to spend some time with my dad.  Maybe go out with him on new years with Rhonda. 

This house is beautiful.  Vines twining up the wooden supports and leaves woven together form the roof, with wooden supports across the top and a chandelier.  So many pretty lights and woods and steps and details.  I’m impressed with whoever created it.  I hope that in my future I am someone who creates.  I want to give something to others that makes them think, “She is so admirable, I want to be similar to her, and I enjoy her company!”  Maybe later…

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