Bindicanfly’s Weblog

Meh. I don’t really know what to say. It’s been like three weeks since I last wrote, but not much of consequence has happened. Jalal and I have basically melted into one person. I work every day nine to five except weekends. It’s not bad. I like to clean and I am getting the hang of it. I have made a few friends as it is a really social job, we hung out after work last Thursday, which was weird for me because it’s been so long since I made friends that actually wanted to see me when they didn’t have to. We walked to the evergreen beach through the woods and smoked. It was fun. I also saw Teresa, an old friend of mine. That was fun too, and I hope to see her again before she leaves for england. Anyways, I have to relinquish the computer to Jalal, its rightful owner, now. I miss my laptop

I’m really depressed every time I come home because I hate that I don’t live here anymore. But I also don’t like being here. It doesn’t really make sense to me. I feel really bad for living with Jalal and not choosing to come home like other people. I don’t know, I always thought I was coming home, it just worked out this way. And they are all so happy to see me, and grateful that I was willing to take an overnight greyhound to see them for just four days. It makes me feel even worse. My mom bought all this food for me, including my favorite kind of popsicles, and they all make time for me in their busy lives. It just feels so high pressure, and I want to tell them, “it’s still just me. Don’t you remember? We fought all the time!” They treat me too nicely, I just feel like I’m going to let them down. I am so neurotic about trying to please people, sometimes it makes me sick.

The worst part about everything is talking to my brother. I never knew he wanted to spend time with me, I always just felt like his annoying big sister. I always thought I kind of didn’t really matter to him, but I think that in a way he looks up to me, or if not that, he at least wants to spend time with me, and I left him behind, in the web of parent stress. When I call him I’m always surprised at how long he engages me in conversation, even when he is already doing something else, and when I come home to visit he says, “I’ll go wherever Mallon goes” and it’s just so sweet that it makes me want to die for not just staying home and being his friend. He is such a cool kid and really, when am I ever going to have a friend who understands what I mean about everything as much as he does. We were raised under the same contexts and its like, impossible for anyone else to have as close of a connection with me I feel like. It’s weird how meaningful family connections can be. I’m being overly dramatic, I know, but it really makes me sad.

I find myself doing that thing my dad does, where he tells you how he feels over and over to passively pass guilt on to someone else. I kept trying to justify to my brother why I wasn’t coming home. We were in the car and he just didn’t say anything, so I kept talking to fill the silence, and finally I asked him if he was mad I wasn’t coming home, and he said something like “I wish you could visit for longer, but I know you have to start work so it isn’t your fault” and I felt really bad, because it is my fault. If I was a big enough person to put my family first, and let stupid romantic relationships sit for now, I would feel so much better, but I’m not, and i know I won’t. It’s so selfish of me to put Jalal first, when my family gave me so much love for so many years. I know they want me to come home, and it’s like, the more years go by the less easy it will be for me to see them, the more involved Jalal and I get, and the more responsibilities I get, the worse it will be. I should have just given them this last summer. But my family has social lives, and I wouldn’t have a social life at all if I stayed here. It doesn’t make sense for me to stay in that sense. Man. I don’t even know.

Anyways, Greyhound is a creepy crazy institution with no rules! I hate it. Two guys got arrested on the bus last night for being drunk and stealing potato chips and it was just ridiculous. Then, when I finally got on the bus after almost not getting on because they overbooked it, I ended up sitting next to this large lesbian lady reading erotica, and it was awkward because she kept overlapping out of her seat and touching me on accident.

I want to be able to hang out with my friends this week but I don’t feel like I have time. I bought some liquor for us, and I hope we have the time to enjoy it, although it seems that tensions run high within all of us, because when we hung out briefly today I felt like it didn’t go so well. I’m sad that my best friend is leaving the country. I won’t see her for so long and I will worry about her and miss her.

I should sleep. Next week I have to wake up at 6:45 AM everyday and I don’t know how I will do it since that has been closer to my bedtime than my waking time for almost three months now. I hate sleeping at night here though. It’s so eerie to be here, what was once my home and the site of my childhood, I feel like there are ghosts of my past all over and it makes me feel sticky and icky inside.

So, I had a really bad experience in French yesterday.  I was stressed out about everything, and I forgot about my presentation until late, so I completed it last minute and I didn’t do very well.  The teacher was mad at me for forgetting to contact him about which current event I would use and he was rude about it, or so I felt.  The rest of the class seems to be stuck up and I don’t think anyone there likes me except for my one friend in the class.  While I presented this bitchy girl was glaring at me the whole time as if to say “you are stupid, who let you into this class?”  Anyways, after that all I could see was her face and the teachers face, which was full of hate and annoyance, there is no patience for me in that class.  After I presented and gave my discussion questions, the class look at me as if I had been speaking the wrong language and so I answered them myself and sat.  Even my friend seemed to be looking at me with disapproval until I sat down.  She said fuck it, and then I started crying.  I just felt so embarrassed, I hate that class anyways, and I didn’t really like the teacher in the first place.  He doesn’t like me because he is one of those teachers who takes it personally if you miss a day or forget an assignment.  I don’t get along with people like that, I always fail them.  Anyways, yesterday, I was so mad about what happened, and embarrassed about how I reacted to the situation, I went to do my homework for the test the next day.  While I was heading the paper and considering starting the actual work I idly wrote in cursive my name, and then, my message “Madelyn hates you…because you are a dick”  I then proceeded with my work, which was completed at about 3:30 AM and I promptly hurried off to bed.  I woke the next day and rushed to class, turned in my paper, only thinking about the test.  Wow.  So, I forgot to erase my rude message, and I think it might be clear that it was directed at him.  He left two bright red exclamation points behind the message as if to say, “you have been caught!”  It’s even worse because he and my friend had a brief time when they would leave notes to each other in Japanese at the tops of the assignments she turned in.  He probably knows that I knew about those notes, he probably thinks I was leaving a note for him.  Damn.  I am so stupid.  I thought about it at the time, I was like I shouldn’t write this on my homework, but it’s like I wanted to leave it there.  Whatever.  I’m embarrassed, but I guess I said what I never would have had the guts to say otherwise.  I don’t know how it could really affect me unless he took off more points from my grade for things like participation.  But I don’t think he would do that.  Anyways, there is no way to really prove that I was talking about him.  I guess it isn’t a big deal.  I do have to meet with him in private though, and it might be awkward as he doesn’t seem afraid to approach people awkwardly (i.e. the Japanese notes).  Man, it just really puts a damper on my day though.  How embarrassing.  And I was the last to finish my test too!  God.  Anyways, school is almost over and I haven’t been sleeping enough, haven’t been eating well, I will probably have gained ten pounds next time I weigh myself.  God, I hope not.  Anyways this summer I will lose weight, and never again will I eat dorm food.

Wow.  I had a shitty weekend.  Jalal and I fought everyday and I have such dark feelings about this summer and about our relationship in general.  I just never thought he was capable of betraying me like that.  He totally screwed me over.  And in the end I gave him everything he asked for.

Anyways, it’s funny how our relationship has shifted.  I had all the power at one point, and I had been living under the impression that I still has some power, if not all the power anymore.  It’s pretty silly how I thought he was different.  I had such stupid pride in our relationship, “we never fight, we’re best friends, we will last forever” I can’t believe I thought we weren’t like everybody else.  And the sad thing is that I just don’t have the energy or willpower to do what I should do now.  Whatever.  I’m tired of thinking about it and tired of being mad, but I think that I have to be thinking about it, since I’m supposed to move in with him next weekend.  I just want to give up and be a child again.  I really don’t even get joy out of being with him lately.  Just afraid to leave him and be more alone than I feel all the time.

Anyways I have a week long job lined up, and I’m going to live with him for that, and of course by then I will have forgiven him, so probably nothing will result from this, besides a huge shaking of the faith I had in us a few days ago.  I told him we should take a break, and he says that’s ridiculous and fucked up and tried to call me but I’m ignoring his calls.  I just need to spend at least this week away from him.  We’ll see what happens, but for now I’m too tired to think about it anymore.  I need to do homework and go to bed.

Hello. I made this blog for you to read on your travels. You probly won’t read it, and I probly won’t write in it, but it is worth a shot. I don’ t really have anything to say right now. I am so tired from not sleeping enough, I need to keep myself awake for about an hour more, then I will go to bed. For now I think that is it.